Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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