Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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