i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
