Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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