I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
