Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
