I faked an abortion last night.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
