I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
