I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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