At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
