If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
