dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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