shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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