I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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