i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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