He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
