In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
