I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize