You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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