yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
