my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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