i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
