i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
