my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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