I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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