I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
