New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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