She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
