Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
