Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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