it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
