I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
