It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize