oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
