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Scissors
Fuck
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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