There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
