a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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