I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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