On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
