Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
