just survived the first fart of the relationship.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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