If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
