Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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