So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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