marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
