Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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