He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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