Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
