Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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