maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize