someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
