look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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