i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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