Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
