I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
