i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
