I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
