Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
