Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
