woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
whose parrot is this?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
