Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
