i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
smell my finger.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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