The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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