I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
