On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My breasts were aching with rage.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
