Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
