I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
