Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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