I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
