also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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