Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize