he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
did i walk over a car last night?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
