3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
