The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Randomize
