Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
