sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
