I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
