complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
