Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
